I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
