my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
