we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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