I just saw a hot homeless man
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
