whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
