hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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