So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
