I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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