My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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