Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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