Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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