If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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