highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
