I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
