You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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