He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
