I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
