have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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