I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
