I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
