I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
