It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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