I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
