im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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