I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
