I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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