I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
