Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
