Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
