My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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