Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
