she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
