im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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