Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
