piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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