dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
