her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
