I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
