The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
