1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
True but thats because hes a fetus.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
