we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
