I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
