My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
