The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
