she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
