My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
