True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
