just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
