she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
