i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
