i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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